Q: Why did you decide to write TRUST: Short-Circuit the Hardwiring?
A: As a lawyer, I litigated a lot of employment disputes. In the process, I realized many complaints and grievances stemmed from a failure to integrate employment law and EEO diversity issues. When I retired, I decided to teach supervisors a more integrated approach that included building trust with employees–getting to know them better; understanding their diversity. The response from supervisors was overwhelming and they asked me to teach the class to their employees. Then participants also started saying, “You should write a book!” So here it is.
Q: Why does the title refer to “Short-Circuit the Hardwiring”?
A: Strangely enough, the worlds of neuroscience and psychology tell us that as human beings, we are “hardwired” to mishandle conflict in at least two important ways. We are biologically and psychologically “hardwired” to do all the wrong things when conflict arises!
Q: What is the difference between “Biological Hardwiring” and “Psychological Hardwiring?”
A: Using MRI technology researchers observed biological hardwiring when a person is challenged or attacked. In other words, his/her belief system might be questioned, or his/her standing in the group might be challenged. The rational brain shuts down! Its blood supply is reduced, and the most primitive portion of the brain, the portion that controls the fear response, takes over. The person responds with a mild “fight or flight” response that typically presents as aggressive behavior–sarcasm, ridicule abuse. The recipient of this behavior typically reacts in mild “fight or flight,” returning the sarcastic, ridiculing, or abusive behavior, or becomes silent or frozen. We’ve all witnessed this; we’ve all been a part of it. Few of us recognize what is happening. We think that this is the way arguments or conflict have to be. It seems perfectly natural, and it rarely dawns on us that there could be a different way of disagreeing with someone using our rational brain.
Psychological hardwiring is more complicated. Suffice it to say that I have borrowed a concept from the worlds of psychology and organizational development. Each of these fields has its own terminology for describing how we as humans take information in and process that information and then react to it. The concept teaches that our reaction to the event is not based on the event, but rather on the way one interprets the event.
I call this concept the “Story” process. It explains why people in conflict are so certain that the other person is wrong and they are right: their “Story” is telling them this at a deep subconscious level. The fact that we make “Stories” is also a key to turning conflict into a positive, relationship building, problem-solving moment – if we know how to use it correctly.
Q: Who is your intended audience for TRUST?
A: Originally, it was for supervisors in the workplace. However, readers are showing me that the trust-building skills in the book are useful for everyone – employees in the workplace; couples in disagreement; parents and teens in disagreement; neighbors in disagreement. You name it! Any two people in disagreement about anything can use the skills taught in TRUST to resolve the conflict, and turn the experience from a negative, relationship damaging moment to a positive, problem-solving, relationship-building moment.
Q: What is the most important lesson you would like your readers to learn after reading TRUST?
A: I want people to recognize that conflict does not have to be a powerful negative experience to be avoided at all costs–because the costs of avoidance are very high. Once they realize that, then, with the other tools in the book, they can begin to take charge of conflict and transform it to a positive, problem-solving, relationship-building experience.
